Forgiveness (part 4)

FORGIVENESS (Part 4)

Forgiveness, knowing whether you have truly forgiven someone, has been the recent topic of discussion. Recognizing that the entire Bible is a story of God and mankind being reconciled to Him and others brings me to the final installment of this topic. Once we have a disagreement or an offending situation with a person, how is the relationship affected by the event? Is the relationship simply severed? Do you just tolerate each other? Or is the relationship as strong as or stronger than before the incident happened?

The tendency with all disagreements is to go in one of two directions: we can try to pretend they don’t exist, in effect run from them, or we can try to attack the situation to create a win over our opponent. Neither method of dealing with conflict is effective or God-honoring. Both “solutions” allow for a winner and loser.  When that happens, the relationship that was once strong is now fractured and at least one of the parties will not want to be connected any more.

It is God’s desire to have relationships reconciled and restored.  In my own marriage I know that when my wife and I disagree in an unholy way, we are at our weakest and our relationship and marriage can be threatened. I also have discovered that when we truly forgive one another, that the bond between us has grown stronger than ever before.

How many people walk away from marriages, relationships, church families, and jobs because of hurts that have not been properly dealt with? If we recognize that the real goal in it all is to glorify God, then we can humbly and gently seek restoration so that we can be reconciled and create bonds of Christian love that are stronger than ever. Acknowledge that settling the issue has nothing to do with you. Remind yourself that it is bigger than just being “right” or having your way. Put God first in all of your dealings and you will be blessed beyond measure. You might not “win”, but you will gain much more.

Make and keep this promise and you will be showing a forgiving heart: I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

The four blogs about forgiveness were based on Peacemaker Ministries material.

The Four Promises of Forgiveness are:

1.       I will not dwell on this incident.

2.       I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.

3.       I will not talk to others about this incident.

4.       I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

Forgiveness (part 3)

FORGIVENESS (Part 3)

Relationships are tricky things. In the ebb and flow of life we can easily offend the people who are closest to us, often without even trying. When those things happen, asking for and granting forgiveness helps bring about the restoration of the damaged unity that once existed. Even though we can say the words “I forgive you.” we might still struggle with true forgiveness happening on the inside.

We have already examined two ways we can know we truly forgave: promising not to dwell on the issue and promising not to bring the issue up for the purpose of using it against the offender. The topic for this week’s blog is similar to the last one…choosing not to talk to others about the issue. When we bring an offense up with just the offender, there are only two people involved. Once we open the offense up to others, there is no end to where the information (and misinformation) can go and as a result, there is no way to repair all the damage done to that person’s reputation.

Once we discuss the situation openly with others, we have taken the role of judge and jury. Our contacts will also be dragged into the personal vendetta that began with our comments. The result is that the possibilities of restoration of both a relationship and a reputation fall off precipitously. Today’s social media frenzy is the perfect place to assassinate another person’s reputation. We see it happen daily and its effects are devastating.

If you want to “spread the news” of your offender’s actions to others, it is clear that real forgiveness has not happened, and worse than that, anything you say will likely be spread in ways that will make both of you look bad. Misquoted words and ideas will rush around your networks at lightning speed and there will be no good way to retract them. That will make attempts at complete restoration (God’s desire) highly unlikely and everybody ends up looking bad.

Decide today: I will not talk to others about this incident.

Why is marriage so hard? (part 1)

WHY IS MARRIAGE SO HARD? (part 1)

Marriage today is under attack. The most basic unit in our society is faced with tremendous pressure under the best of circumstances, but today the biblical plan for marriage is clearly in the crosshairs of our culture.

Regardless of what popular culture says, the marriage between one man and one woman stands as God’s plan for families, now and for all time. Why does this formula struggle so much?  In the next few weeks we’ll share some of the most common issues that threaten all marriages. This week’s post has to do with the adjustments a person must make when blending two lives together.

When two people marry and join their lives together, God intends them to function as a single unit, not two separate entities. The problem with that scenario is that each person enters marriage with a unique background that often is in direct opposition to the background of the other person. What value does each person put on big things like money, family, religion, career, and a host of other possibilities? Major disagree-ments in any single area could lead to significant problems. Multiply that out by the number of issues a marriage will face and it is easy to see why struggles are frequent and often debilitating for the couple.

A good pre-marital course that takes a couple through these potential problem areas would force a couple to deal with the issues ahead of a marriage. However, once the couple is committed in marriage, they must now find a way to live with their differ-ences in a way that is manageable and honors God. That is where they learn that there is a dance or an art to marriage. How couples resolve the differences that divide them will ultimately reveal whether their relationship will grow sweeter or go sour.

Forgiveness (Part 2)

There are four signs that can indicate that forgiveness has taken place in our hearts. Last week we mentioned the first one… that if you are not mentally dwelling on the incident that offended you, then you have forgiven. Controlling how you think about people who hurt you is a big step in forgiveness.

Another sign showing that forgiveness has occurred is whether or not you are getting “historical” with the other person. If you continue to bring up the offense and use it against the person, then you have not truly forgiven them. Human nature wants to exert power and influence over others, and when they have harmed us and repent, they put themselves at our mercy. We can use that situation in a way that keeps them under our control. By continuing to remind them of their past, we are neither truly forgiving that person, nor are we allowing a real restoration of our relationship. In the process the other person is made to feel a prisoner to your wrath.

We can choose to continue in this way, or we can let it go. Letting it go is what God would have us do.(Matt. 6:12,14,15; I Cor. 13:5; Eph. 4:32) It  creates a win-win situation for both parties. Carrying the grudge and dragging it around with us does us more damage than the other person. It poisons us from the inside out. I would encourage you to release the offense and allow both of you to heal and grow from the process. The hurt may have left an ugly scar. But scar tissue is much stronger than the original skin. Decide today that you will not bring up an incident and use it against the offender.

Let this be your motto: I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.

Forgiveness (Part 1)

One of the realities of personal relationships is that from time to time, we can offend one another. If  the offense is bad enough, it may be quite difficult to ignore. That’s where the process of forgiveness begins in earnest. Our human nature wants to allow ourselves the privilege of being judge, jury and executioner. But God has a better plan. He has the right to judge us all and He has said in His word that He will. That takes the pressure (or privilege) off from us.

As Christians, because we have all been forgiven, we are commanded to forgive everyone who does us wrong. The words “I forgive you.” are relatively easy to say, but the reality of actual forgiveness being lived out is quite another story. How does one know that true forgiveness has taken place?

One of the ways you can know forgiveness has occurred is whether or not you are still thinking about the event (or words) that offended you. If you still replay the offense over in your mind, if you are still dwelling on the event or some part of it, then you have not truly forgiven. Controlling our thought processes is a difficult, but necessary step in forgiveness.

If you are struggling in forgiving someone, I would encourage you to consider how you are thinking about that person. Ask God to help you. Phil. 4:8 gives us options for our thought processing. Try to focus on positives about the person who offended you. Pray for them and the issues they may be facing… and remember that Christ has already paid the punishment we deserve for all our sins and forgiven us. A failure to forgive is a pathway to problems, both with people and God. (See Matt. 6:14-15)

Remember one of the key principles of forgiveness: I will not dwell on this incident.

Stress

Are you showing signs of stress overload? Here are some common symptoms…

     

• Difficulty in making decisions: major or minor
• Excessive amount of time thinking about “getting away from it all”
• An increase in the use of cigarettes or alcohol; stimulants and tranquilizers
• Often loses their train of thought…”What was I saying”?
• Excessive worry about all phases of life…
• Sudden outbursts of anger and hostility
• Paranoid ideas…mistrust of friends and family
• Forgetting of appointments, dates, and deadlines…
• Frequent periods of brooding and feelings of inadequacy
• Reversals in usual behavior. Others say “he is not himself”.

Peace Like A River Counseling has an excellent evaluation tool to reveal how much stress you are currently under. Contact us for an appointment and come discover some techniques designed to from you relief.

Are You Suffering From Burn Out?

Read through the following statements. If more than half of them are true for you, you may either be headed for, or are already experiencing burnout.

• More and more, I can hardly wait for quitting time so I can leave work.
• I feel as if I’m not doing any good at work these days.
• I am more irritable than I used to be. I’m thinking more about changing professions.
• Lately I’ve become more cynical and negative.
• I have more headaches (or other physical symptoms) than usual.
• I often feel hopeless, like saying “Who cares?”
• I drink more or take tranquilizers just to cope with everyday stress.
• My energy level is not what it used to be. I’m tired all the time.
• I feel a lot of pressure and responsibility at work these days.
• My memory is not as good as it used to be.
• I don’t seem to concentrate or pay attention as well as I once did.
• I don’t sleep as well as I used to.
• My appetite is decreased these days (or I can’t seem to stop eating).
• I feel unfulfilled and disillusioned.
• I’m not as enthusiastic about my work as I was a year ago.
• I feel like a failure at work. All the work I’ve done hasn’t been worth it.
• I can’t seem to make decisions as easily as I once did.
• I find I’m doing fewer things at work that I like or do well.
• I often tell myself, “Why bother? It doesn’t really matter anyway.”
• I don’t feel adequately rewarded or noticed for all the work I’ve done.
• I feel helpless, as if I can’t see any way out of my problems.
• People have told me I’m too idealistic about my job (profession).
• I think my career has just about come to a dead end.

If you agreed with a majority of these statements, we suggest you make some major stress-reducing changes or seek some professional help. Contact Peace Like A River Counseling for an appointment.

What Are Some Symptoms of Anxiety?

Stress and Anxiety are certainly the “catch phrases” for the culture lately. There are typically physical and emotional symptoms present when a person is experiencing anxiety. Some of the symptoms of anxiety can be:

nausea

pounding heart

dizziness

headaches

tiredness

insomnia

tremors and muscle tension

shortness of breath

irritability  

restlessness

feelings of fear or dread

difficulty concentrating

irrational thoughts and feelings

If you are experiencing several of these symptoms, you may be struggling with anxiety. We would like to help you through this difficult time. Call Peace Like A River Counseling for an appointment.

Employee Screening

Knowing that hiring the right person for a position is essential for many businesses, Peace Like A River Counseling can give the employer great insight into the temper-ament of a potential employee. Our diagnostic tool provides revealing characteris-tics and can help a company discern whether the individual would be a good fit before any hiring takes place. Contact us for more details about this valuable service.

Conflict Resolution

Conflict is common to our society. The United States of America has more lawyers per capita than virtually every other nation in the world. Litigation has become the first response (instead of a last resort) as to how we resolve our conflicts. The good news is that conflicts can and should be resolved in a way that brings peace, if not total resolution, to the problems, and can often be done without the participation of lawyers.

Almost all of us have some unresolved issues with people from our past or in our present. These conflicts affect our relationships, either directly or indirectly. Our marriages, churches, neighborhoods and workplaces are home to these difficult situations.  Using a biblical approach to these issues can often lead the parties to not only a peaceful result, but one that promotes a better relationship between the parties than ever before.

Using principles found in the Bible, we can understand that conflict provides opportunities for us, opportunities to understand the other points of view more clearly, to show God’s love and mercy, and to reflect that love to others. If we are faithful to follow the biblical concepts taught the results may astonish you. Contact Peace Like A River Counseling for an appointment to talk about the possibilities.

Alcoholism

Alcoholism affects relationships and the quality of life for everyone in the family. If you are concerned about someone in your family, here are some warning signs that there may be problems with their drinking habits.

Does the person need a drink at a certain time, or “the morning after”?  

Does the person lose time from work or school due to drinking?

Does the person drink alone or hide their drinking?

Does the person have memory loss or loss of control while or after drinking?

Does the person seem irritable, defensive, jealous, moody, or easily angered after drinking?

Does the person deny everything or get upset if you criticize or complain about their drinking?

Does the person have physical complaints that may be related to drinking such as inefficiency, low energy, weight loss, sleeplessness, or accidents?

Does the person feel guilty, worthless, or depressed due to drinking?

Does the person avoid friends and social activities because of drinking?

Does the person embarrass, harm, or worry family and friends with their drinking?

One or more yes answers would indicate a problem with alcohol and the need for prompt help…

Peace Like A River Counseling is available to help individuals and families through the fog of this life changing condition. Contact us today for an appointment.

Understanding Codependency

Over 100 million people in the past two generations have suffered from co-dependency issues. It generally affects people who have been involved with those who are chemically dependent. It appears multigenerationally and cross-culturally and it consistently destroys love and intimacy within the family. It can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things, and is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, or events on the outside.

Peace Like A River Counseling can help individuals and families trapped in the bondage of co-dependency. Through a process of education, people can come to understand the causes, recognize dysfunctional family “rules”, and follow relatively simple steps to be freed from the tyranny of co-dependency. Contact us to make an appointment.

Temperament Analysis

        Knowing that God has uniquely “wired” us all in very different ways, Peace Like A River Counseling offers a personalized introduction to the person you are when no one is looking.

•      Everyone has a personality, but that is what we choose to show the world. It is often a “mask” and not who we really are.

•      Our character is who we are in terms of our moral and ethical behavior. It reveals what we have been taught and what we accept as correct.

•  Our temperament reveals who we really are as we relate to people and the world around us.

Understanding and accepting how God made us can help us navigate our relationships better, point us to more meaningful careers, or just give us the peace in knowing that we are “normal”. Parents can gain greater understanding of why their children act the way they do and get comfort in the knowing. Contact Peace Like A River Counseling for an appointment to have an analysis done.

Pre-Marital Counseling

Marriage is the single biggest decision a person or couple can make.  Deciding to invest in the relationship by getting pre-marital counseling is probably the wisest thing you could do. Whether this is your first marriage or the marriage you hope will finally last, going through an in-depth program will pay dividends in both the romance stage as well as in the relationship after you’re married.

    

     ~ Discover keys to having a successful marriage.

     ~ Learn how to resolve issues before they drive you apart.

     ~ Learn techniques that will allow couples to “fight fair”.

     ~ Discover keys to the genuine oneness God intended for marriage.

Our pre-marital counseling is set up to have 5 two-hour sessions. The couple is expected to work on a variety of outside assignments before each session and will actively participate in discussion of marriage and family issues each time we meet. Contact Peace Like A River Counseling to schedule your sessions

Marriage Maintenance

Just as a car or a home requires regular maintenance, your marriage also needs regular check-ups to maintain high levels of satisfaction. It is sad to realize that the most important relationship in human life gets so little attention until it is broken.

Peace Like A River Counseling believes that a marriage tune-up goes a long way to having a healthy marriage. Our plan offers an examination into the areas that can cause problems within the marriage. Contact us to schedule an appointment.

Marriage and Family Counseling

Trouble in relationships is the number one reason that a person or couple seeks counseling services. At Peace Like A River Counseling, we apply Biblical truths about relationships in a caring and competent manner. We can help with…

communication

conflict resolution

parenting

sexual issues

premarital counseling

marriage tune-up

recovery from adultery

codependency

alcohol and drug dependency

blended family issues 

considering divorce  

Peace Like A River Counseling is available to provide help and hope with an eye toward reconciliation and restoration.

When relationships are broken, everyone in the family is negatively impacted. Peace Like A River Counseling can present hope-focused resolutions to the problems facing you. Our counseling provides opportunity for relationships to be restored, whether they are in divorce recovery, step-family concerns, or other issues that seem to be tearing the family apart. Please do not hesitate to contact us if we can assist in any way.

“He heals the heartbroken and bandages their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

Help For Pastors

Pastors are human too. The problem for pastors is that many people expect them to be perfect. What happens to a pastor when they struggle? Where can they go? To whom can they turn for help? At Peace Like A River Counseling, we understand the special needs and concerns of pastors. They want real help and real confidentiality. We can offer biblical counsel in a discreet manner so that they can be healed and their ministry can flourish. Contact us for an appointment. Those in full-time ministry may receive a reduced rate for services.

Depression

Are you thinking that you or someone you know may be depressed? Here are some of the symptoms of depression. If you are suffering from several of these you may want to get some help. Do you have…


A feeling of hopelessness, despair, sadness, and apathy. It is a feeling of overall gloom. A move toward depression is a move toward deadness and emptiness?

A loss of perspective – the way you perceive your job, family, or your life?

A negative thinking pattern toward life?

A change in physical activities, loss of sleep?

A general loss of self-esteem, anxious, tense?

A withdrawal from others – a fear of being rejected?

A desire to escape from problems, even from life? (Run away syndrome.)

An oversensitivity to what others say and do? (Often misinterpret actions and comments.)

Misdirected anger, or, use anger as a defense mechanism?

A feeling of guilt (“This is my fault.”)?

If you want to talk more deeply about this topic and discuss options to get relief, please contact us at Peace Like A River Counseling for an appointment. 

Need Help With Anxiety?

It is normal to experience anxiety sometimes, especially when you are sleep-deprived, over-stressed, or physically drained. When a person is at their most vulnerable state, anxiety is a typical response to “get through” a difficult situation. When someone experiences anxiety all or nearly all the time, or it is just bothersome to the point that they are “tired of it”, they could be experiencing an anxiety disorder and they should seek assessment as soon as possible.

In the Bible, anxiety is referred to as “worry, stress or fear”. Did you know that the most repeated command in Scripture is the phrase “Do not fear.”? God does not give us a command and then not provide a way to be able to fulfill it.

Anxiety is often produced when we have a list that is too long to be accomplished this day, this week, or even this month or year. People don’t tend to worry about things that they can control, they worry about the things that they cannot do anything about. Peace Like A River Counseling can help you make the lifestyle changes you will need to adopt to help you to be successful again and to live an anxiety-free life.

Click this link for anassessment

Anger

Dr. David Powlison, expert on Christian Counseling, has this to say about anger in a recent article…

Anger is your God-given capacity to respond to a wrong that you think is important. It always expresses two things:

                  -It defines something in your world that matters to you.

                  -It proclaims that you believe that something is wrong.

Getting angry about things that don’t matter

God’s anger is always holy and pure because what He says is wrong, is wrong, and what He says matters, does matter. One difference between our anger and God’s anger is that, since we aren’t always holy and pure, we often get angry at things that are not true wrongs…or at things that don’t really matter to anyone but us. If you throw a tantrum when you are served cold food in a restaurant, or curse when you are stuck in traffic, you should recognize that these are not things that matter in God’s world.

Wanting a good thing more than God

When fulfilling your desires, even for a good thing, becomes more important than anything else, that’s when it changes into a “desire of the flesh”. You want it too much. When you don’t get what you want, demand, believe you need, and think you deserve, your anger flares up.

Taking God’s place

In James 4, it talks about anger and goes on to discuss why it’s wrong to judge or criticize others. Basically, it is because only God has the right to pass final judgment on anyone. Anger is merciless. Anger sees, punishes, and gets rid of all offenders. But God has chosen to be merciful to wrongdoers, including someone like you, who struggles with taking God’s place in the world.

If you are struggling with anger in your life, Peace Like A River Counseling can help. Contact us today for an appointment.

Adult Material Addiction

If you suspect you are addicted to adult material, or if you are concerned that someone you know may be an adult material addict, here is information that can help.  

Similar to someone with a chemical or substance addiction, adult material addicts tend to replace important relationships and commitments with their “drug” of choice: adult material. Non-Internet addicts can be found in places like strip clubs and adult bookstores, but it is unlikely that they have a strip club addiction or an adult bookstore addiction, but rather that they have consistent and compulsive sexual problems that manifest in different ways.

Some signs of adult material addiction can include:

• An inability to stop the behavior(s) and adult material use despite previous attempts to do so

• Anger or irritability if asked to stop

• Hiding or attempting to keep secret all or a part of the adult material use

• Living a double or secret life related to adult material

• Continuing the behavior despite obvious consequences, such as a relationship or job loss

• Getting lost in the problem adult material use (i.e., spending more time than intended, losing time)

Peace Like A River Counseling has help for you or your loved one – call 501-940-6786 to make an appointment.